Honor and Respect In Marriage

 

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him...” So, the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.  And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “At last this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken out of man.” For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed. " Genesis 2:18-25

Let's break this down:

When God created man and woman, He created them to be one, a unity that was to be broken only by death.  Adam and Eve were the only humans to walk the earth when there was no sin.  They stood before each other "naked, but they were not ashamed."  Being naked before each other was not just a physical state of being but a mental and emotional state as well.  There was nothing they did not share. Their thoughts and emotions were bare before one another, complete transparency.  There was love, honor, respect and yes, even submission to God and one to another.  The Bible shares that Eve was aware that she was not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, with which she abided.  Until one day, she allowed herself to be deceived and offered her husband to take a bite of this fruit that would reap a harvest of death to all things.  And from that moment on the struggle began. The purity of their hearts and minds was forever damaged.  And their relationship with God was changed.  The open relationship they once had was now in hiding.  Guilt and shame were now their garment. And it is the outcome of many marriages today.

In The Beginning

When I read the words spoken by Adam "At last this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh," I can almost sense the depth of his love for Eve.  It was not merely an attraction but a true oneness at heart.  I believe it is safe to say that many of us go into marriage because of our love and emotions towards a person and we overlook the unresolved struggles we faced before we said, "I do."   There is a lack of understanding of what a marriage is meant to be like. I don't claim to be a professional on the topic, but I can share based on my own experience and on the encounters, I have had with the women I have mentored.  

What Did God Say?

God said, "I will make him a helper suitable for him."  Suitable means appropriate for a particular purpose.  This means God made you to suit your husband's needs.  In other words, you have what it takes to get through the "better and for worse" seasons of life.  

What Is Marriage?

Many times, marriage is portrayed as this happily ever after or television creates this unrealistic outcome of solving problems so easily.  But marriage is complexed and intimate, different in every household.  When you go into a marriage believing that everything will be perfect you are setting yourself up for severe disappointment. The unresolved struggles come with you.  Marriage is work.  Marriage is not about each person giving 50/50.  Each person must give 100%!  It is no longer just about you.  And you must come to terms with the fact that you are no longer #1.  When you are united in marriage it is a covenant promise made before God to live a God-purposed life.

The Struggle Is Real

As time goes by you will learn more and more about your spouse - the good, the bad and the downright ugly.  We all have it in us.  Fights can become so bad that we want to throw in the towel.  Some of us are very skilled at character assassination, verbalizing our disappointment to the point of tearing down the very ones we love.  We are masters of the blame game with every intention of "winning."  And sarcasm, what a bitter deep-rooted weapon you are - an articulate man-slaughterer!  And this vicious cycle will just continue if you do not work to bring an end to it.  Notice I said "work."

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

When you read the story of Eve in the garden you find that she listened to a voice other than God and her husband.  There was a serpent in the garden who is described as "crafty", and he managed to get her focus on the one thing she could not have over everything God had already given her.   We need to be careful that we don't fall into the same trap as Eve.  

One of the things I had to do in my own marriage was to stop trying to mold my husband into the person I want him to be and learn to appreciate how wonderful he already is.  We both came into this marriage broken from past circumstances. Yet, I wanted him fixed immediately.  Like Eve I didn't focus on the blessing God had already given me in my husband.  I focused on what I thought were his shortcomings.  I wanted him to go to counseling, go to church, serve in ministry, pray with me, read with me, fellowship with men from church, have them over with their wives. I had a tall list for him to fulfill because this was what I expected of a Christian husband.  Funny thing is that my husband wasn't a Christian before we dated.  I played a role in making that happen too. 

So, what changed?  At the time, nothing!  There were times we said the "D" word - divorce.  But we pressed through.  I always tell people, "The Word of God is reflective" and if I'm no different than the people in these stories how could I expect change from my husband.  I got serious about wanting change, but I knew this time the change had to being with me.  My pastor once said, "God may not always change the circumstances but He can change you in the midst of it." And those words resounded so heavy on my heart that I was determined to be the wife my husband deserved.  As I read and as I prayed, God began doing a work in me.

My outlook on my marriage was transformed as I extended grace.  I started to ask my husband if there was anything in me that he thought could use change.  I asked him what I could do to make things easier for him.  He began to feel respected and honored as the head of our home. Things with him didn't change overnight.  But the more I was willing to honor him and respect him and meet him and accept him where he was, I was transformed and equipped to bare the call I was suited for.  I was beginning to receive the healing I needed for myself, and my husband was now free to be himself.  My husband loves me with a love I cannot explain.  I would've left me a long time ago!  Now I can see exactly what I have, and I realize that we are suitable for one another just as God made us and just as He purposed.  

"However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  Ephesians 5:33