My Battle With OCD
For as long as anyone has known me, they would describe me as a "neat freak", "the cleanest one in the room." I took pride in this because cleanliness and neatness are a part of this serenity that is much needed in my mind. I never realized how it affected others. I always looked at this behavior as beneficial to those around me because they are now dust and clutter free. But it does affect others.
When my boys were younger, I was obsessed with keeping a clean and tidy home. I never wanted to see toys around once they were done playing with them. I was a very young mom and lacked maturity on all levels. So, I would threaten to throw their toys away if they did not pick them up and put them away in a timely manner. And the idea of doing arts and crafts was not even a thought in my home. My home was always "ready" for guests to stop by with the constant compliment of "I can't even tell you have kids." Boy did I take pride in that! Until one day....
My older son was spending more time out with his friends, and I asked him why he didn't seem to want to be home as often. I could tell his actions were a deliberate act more than a willingness. My son told me (almost crying), "Why should I want to be home when I can't even live? Everything has to be perfect." It was such an eye-opener. I realized then that this disorder was infiltrating my home and affecting those that I love the most. I never knew the obsessions and compulsions were a disorder. For me, they were a way of living.
Just recently, the LORD gave me a topic of study for the women in my church group. The topic was "Being a Mary in a Martha kind of world." As I began to read their story to prepare for our topic of discussion the LORD began to give me understanding about my behavior.
I have a heart for people and wanting them to know Jesus for who He really is not what He is portrayed as. So, I turned to a widely utilized resort to attempt to reach many - social media. I opened a Facebook account, an Instagram account and even started doing YouTube videos and everything I posted was with biblical encouragement in mind. But I had no peace about these platforms. There's too much flowing through those sites that I do not want to see or read. And as quickly as I opened them, I shut them down. It wasn't my fit. But then somewhere down the road the idea of reaching others springs up again. And again, I opened another account for each just to shut it down again. I often thought, "What is wrong with me?" The panic attacks began, my mind racing to the point where I could not breathe at night. So unsettled within.
I have a list of things I want to do over the summer and in general. Working at a school, praise GOD, I have the summers off and a lot of time to make things happen. I recently started creative journaling in my planner, my new planner that took me several trips to various stores to find the "perfect" one. I found it, returned it and then couldn't sleep thinking about it so I went back to the store to buy it again. But then I wanted a separate journal to write whatever the LORD speaks to my heart. And then the LORD really did me in. He resurfaced the idea of starting a blog. The first time I thought of doing it was about 10 years ago, and I couldn't even understand how to do more than create an account. I am not tech savvy, hence the simplicity of my blog! I am extremely organized and am a firm believer in setting boundaries in all areas of our lives. Doing too much makes me feel like I am letting life pass by without taking a deep breath. Well, now, my "To Do" list grew: Start a blog, creative writing in my planner, a journal, women's group, mentorship, learn Portuguese, etc. My brain was fried! Writing in 3 separate places? Journal, blog and planner? Really? My life is not that interesting! And the panic began. I felt I was being torn into a million pieces, all over the place with these new ideas that seemed like tasks I had to make happen in so little time. If this is what the thought was doing to me, imagine what it would take to make them happen. So, I had an idea. Take the pages from your journal and paste them on the divider pages of the planner. Now, when I journal and work on my planner, it will all be in one place. And then it happened. I used glue on paper. Remember, I do not like crafts. Nothing sticky, nothing glittery, nothing messy, so I did not know that the pages would dry the same way as if water had spilled on them. My planner was not only bumpy looking but apparently the glue went through a few pages of the planner. Now they were glued together. I was sweating as I gently peeled away the pages so they would not rip. But it happened anyway. My thoughts, "I can't keep this. I have to start over. I have to throw this out." And such is the mind of someone with OCD. But I have to say now, I believe God allowed me to go through this for a purpose. I believe this is part of the healing process.
And that is where we come to the story of Martha and Mary. Martha was so busy with all this planning and doing that she grew frustrated of the fact that her sister would "just sit" while she did all the work. In this story, Jesus made it clear that only one thing was necessary - sitting at His feet. So, what did I do? The only thing I know I should've never stopped doing - I sat down and asked God to help me get myself together because I am tired of feeling like a hamster in a wheel, running, running, running and getting nowhere and truthfully, sometimes I just feel like I am going crazy.
God spoke two things to my heart on two separate occasions. The first was regarding OCD in itself. For so long I wanted to know why I was like this. Why did God allow me to be this way? This is what He spoke to my heart, and I wrote it down: "How else could we relate to the world around us? You allow us to go through struggles. You allow us to go through the flames. But we "walk through" these valleys. We don't stay there because You are with us [seeing us through]." Isaiah 43:2 says "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." The second thing God spoke to me, as I began to work on my planner to create a schedule was that I have put pressure on myself to do things God has never asked me to do. You see, GOD knows each and every one of us intimately. We don't even understand why we think or do the things we do. It is a matter of sitting in His presence and resting where we will get the clarity, instructions and directions we need. I started to review my "To Do" list and was able to realize that I truly did add pressure on myself to do things I wanted to do, but not necessarily what God asked me to do nor were they necessary. I had to go through each item listed and make a decision to keep it or revisit it sometime down the road if and when it is fitting. "If and when," isn't that a different tune? There was no more "I have to". I didn't need to do YouTube videos. I didn't need to start a Facebook or Instagram page. That wasn't what God asked of me. And the busyness of these platforms is definitely not something my eyes and mind will adjust to. God knows what it takes but it takes us wanting to know God to get there.
I was able to accept my planner as is. The idea of using double-sided tape came to mind and I bought reinforcement tabs to keep the pages bound through the spiral. And when I look at my planner I am reminded of how I wanted to throw it away and now, to me, its imperfections were part of my healing process. I am not OCD free, but I am looking at life through a whole different lens. I can breathe again!
"Truly my soul finds rest in God." Psalm 62:1
Below are pictures of my new planner. Imperfect yet beautiful!
Luke 10:38-42
Jesus Visits Martha and Mary
38As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”
41But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”
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